Content warning for this season: frequent discussion of blood
Forced onto the back foot, the company races to get Gideon - before Gideon and his inner circle get them back...
Starring Ellie Pitkin, David Turnbull, Chris Buxey and Josh Yard as themselves
Created and hosted by Matt Boothman (@MerelyMJ)
In association with Blackshaw Theatre Company (www.blackshawonline.com)
facebook.com/MerelyRoleplayers
Playing a heist version of Simple World by Avery Alder (buriedwithoutceremony.com/little-games)
Promo: Shattered Worlds RPG (shatteredworlds.libsyn.com)
Episode transcript
Intro
Matt: This episode of Merely Roleplayers comes with a content warning for blood. There’s no bloody violence or depictions of blood but it is mentioned a lot.
Welcome back to Merely Roleplayers; the programme where theatrical people play roleplaying games. We will raise the curtain on the third and final act of Let's Get Gideon in just a moment, so please wrap up anyway foyer mingling post-haste. It's been a shorter and I think denser and pacier season this time round. I learned a massive amount about running the game from doing this one and I'm already stoked about season 5, which is going to be a shady spy thriller starring regulars Ellie and Strat, welcome returnee Vikki and newcomer Chris, who you might know as one of the hosts of The Space Jam Continuum over on Kaiju FM. Next week's episode will be a post-show discussion of Let's Get Gideon and two weeks after that we'll raise the curtain on season 5. If you're not already, make sure you're subscribed so you can't miss an episode. Whatever combination of apps and operating systems you prefer, you should find a working subscription link at www.merelyroleplayers.podbean.com either in the sidebar or the footer of the page, depending on whether you're looking on a desktop or a mobile.
But first; ready your monologuing face for the big reveal, Let's Get Gideon will conclude after this from our friends in the RPG podcasts community.
Promo
Jeff: Hey guys it's your loremaster here, Jeff.
Farley: And I'm one of the cast members. I play a big hearted monster named Farley Narts.
Jeff: It's a joke about farts.
Farley: Yes, anyways we have a podcast wherein Jeff runs an adventure.
Jeff: Using my very own gaming system.
Farley: Shattered worlds.
Jeff: And a group of comedians and experienced roleplayers make with the jokes and the goblin killings...
Farley: ...and fruit pies...
Jeff: ...and fruit pies.
Both: Shattered Worlds RPG.
The story so far
Chris: The story so far.
Matt: You are Blackshaw, a theatre company... What you hope nobody else knows is you're also master thieves and con artists... Your latest mark…
Ellie: Gideon Gilchrist…
Josh: ...is injecting the blood of far younger humans…
Chris: ...I was going to represent our fictional blood supply company…
Matt (as Gideon): I want what you're selling!
Chris (in character): We need to get you set up with a new facility.
Matt (as Gideon): I do have a larger facility... very, very secure. I think it would be perfect... The only problem with it is that it's full. Currently I'm using it for something…
Matt: You are undercover with the security team at Gideon's freeport where he keeps his art tax-free.
Josh: ...and I would like to approach my immediate superior: Chuck Banhoff.
Matt (as Chuck): Wiles, you've convinced me you're ready for the big leagues…
Josh (in character): Yes sir. Send me, send me to the vaults…
Ellie: Still a bit sexy!
Dave (in character): Maxine, I’ve got a little gap in my calendar and I was wondering if you want to go for a little coffee somewhere or something.
Ellie: The fact that his phone got confiscated… it’s all part of the plan. Can the phone be bugged?
Matt: That was the plan... but the plan backfires… I think she’s going to find the bug.
Ellie: No, no!
Chris: Life's a game, the world’s a stage and we're all merely players.
Let’s Get Gideon, Act Three
Matt: So Dave's gonna go on a date with Maxine McQuaid.
Dave: Oh I can't wait.
Josh: Where are you taking her?
Dave: Well she said she didn’t want coffee so it's a bit... I don’t really know the Shard’s area particularly well…
Ellie: “I don’t know anywhere that doesn’t sell coffee!”
Dave: I'm gonna take her to see The Lion King…
Ellie: Oh my god!
Josh: That's a good date.
Dave: Afterwards, we're gonna go to a trendy bar.
Matt: And what's gonna happen in the meantime?
Josh: Ellie... sorry... “Olga” and myself...
Ellie: Nah just being myself I think…
Josh: We're gonna to be donning our best black catsuits and balaclavas and we’re going to do some sneaky.
Ellie: Yeah, we're gonna go back into the Shard using the swiped security pass.
Matt: So because Josh is in with Gideon's personal security, he knows that the suite has guards on duty 24/7, so there will be a guard presence…
Ellie: Okay.
Matt: ...but you have the ability to get in and Josh has a guard uniform, so you have…
Ellie: Maybe you're wearing that and I'm wearing… the black cat outfit?
Josh: Oh you can be dressed as Catwoman.
Ellie: And the aim is to get the evidence of the blood situation because now that the phone has been confiscated, we need to make sure we've got another way to go. So we're going to get photos of the documents, the NDAs, the blood ratings…
Josh: And if there's any other mischief that can be achieved at the same time, to cripple his organisation…
Matt: Let's begin with Dave... You're just making your way to your seats.
Dave: Do I have to enact the entirety of the Lion King?
Ellie: (Sings the opening vocal of “Circle of Life” from the Lion King)
Dave: Yeah, we both really enjoyed that show I would say. Or at least I do, I wouldn’t want to speak for Maxine… Maxine, what did you think of that show?
Matt (as Maxine): Uh it's not the sort of art I’m used to experiencing, as one of Gideon's inner circle.
Dave (in character): Ah I should have thought about this... I'm really sorry, Maxine. It's probably below your usual tastes... I just really like puppets!
Matt (as Maxine): No, no Chad it's lovely to experience things as the... little people do, every now and then. I appreciate the chance to slum it!
Dave (in character): It's good isn't it? It's like in the Titanic
Ellie: “Slum it” with eighty pound tickets?!
Dave (in character): I mean yeah… I shelled out for this Maxine. But fine yeah… Where do you want to go next? I was thinking we could just go to a bar, unless you want to go somewhere a bit quieter? You know if you've got any ideas?
Matt (as Maxine): Why don't I make you my plus-one to my club tonight?
Dave (in character): Yeah sounds great... I’d love to come, Maxine.
Matt: And she takes you to a… it’s probably the Ivy isn’t it?
Ellie: I thought you were going to go to a weird sex club…
Josh: “The Donor Club” or something?
Ellie: “The Torture Garden”.
Matt: There's a secret downstairs bit of The Ivy, maybe?
Ellie: “Under the Ivy”?
Josh: “Beneath the Ivy”...?
Ellie: “A Little Downstairs Ivy”...??
Dave (in character): Maxine, I feel a little underdressed... I wore my shortest shorts to really show off my assets…
Ellie: That’s what they like at the “Downstairs Ivy”...
Dave (in character): ...but at least it was quite warm outside, so I think I don't look too bad.
Matt (as Maxine): You're with me, darling, that's all the dress code you need for this place. Now have a drink.
Dave (in character): I’d love to.
Matt (as Maxine): What's your poison?
Dave (in character): I'd like a Bloody Mary please.
Matt (as Maxine): Funny time of the night to have a Bloody Mary... but very well.
Matt: Yes, she gets you one and she orders a Manhattan and…
Josh: Classy lady.
Matt (as Maxine): Cheers, darling.
Dave (in character): Um... Maxine, how did you get into this sort of stuff? You know, you seem to be so fit and that seems to have been your life's work. What triggered this drive in you?
Matt (as Maxine): Oh, I simply want to to help society... to take the people who do the most for society and to help them live long and healthy lives. But really, darling, I'm interested in you because…
Dave (in character): What do you think about my body, Maxine?
Matt (as Maxine): Oh there's nothing to complain about there, but…
Dave (in character): Thank you.
Matt (as Maxine): ...but your mind, Chad. I believe that you've been... and not in the good way... a little naughty.
Dave (in character): Maxine, I wouldn't know what you would be referring to! My intentions have been quite obvious, I think!
Matt: She takes your phone out of her clutch and says:
Matt (as Maxine): There are some things on here that I was very surprised to find. Some things that I was less surprised to find... When I was looking for those things I found some things I was very uncomfortable to discover.
Dave (in character): Mmm…
Matt (as Maxine): What is your real purpose here, Chad?
Dave (in character): Well my... obviously I am an anomaly. I'm an old man, Benjamin Button’ing through life... I've got to be prepared for any kind of interference. As you know Alan, he's been all up in our grill... and I know that Dr Hugo seems like he's friends with Alan, but you know I've always just had my doubts about it. So I have been protecting myself by uh... I’m not going to say what I did do to my phone just in case we're talking about something else. Are we talking about my nude pictures?
Matt (as Maxine): We’re talking about the surveillance, Chad.
Dave (in character): Yes we're on the same page, Maxine. Fantastic.
Matt (as Maxine): I don't appreciate the intrusion into our business.
Dave (in character): It wasn't into your business... I was purely looking after myself. And as you know I had my body that just wouldn't quit... it just started quitting! And I just had to start looking after myself, and it works so well I'm worried that the feds are gonna be all over me. It’s an absolute nightmare being me.
Matt: Roll Wiles.
Josh: Come on, Dave!
Ellie: Also is “what do you think of my body” a standard date question?
Dave: I haven’t been on a date for a very long time.
Josh: We are learning a lot about David this evening…
(sound of dice rolling)
Dave: Seven.
Matt (as Maxine): You know, Chad, I do believe that I believe you. I believe that you didn't do this out of any sense of malice or any subterfuge... but really, I just have to take care of myself and to defend... to close off any loose ends.
Ellie: She’s gonna smash it up.
Matt: You suddenly realise that everybody else in the bar is quiet and is looking at you.
Ellie: They’re gonna eat you!
Matt: You start to realise that the cut of all their suits and everything might be concealing... you realise that - you thought you were in a crowded club, you’re actually in a crowded club with Maxine and several members of plainclothes security...
Dave: Mm-hmm... mm-hmm...
Josh: …who are definitely vampires…
Dave (in character): Okay well I feel like my best plan here, Maxine is to just to show you all about.
Dave: I'm gonna pull out my gadget which is kind of an 80s boom box….
Josh: Where have you been hiding that?
Dave: It's gonna start playing some really raunchy beats. I'm just gonna start just stripping my way out of there.
Josh: Why is this always your go to?
Ellie: Dave’s signature move.
Matt: What is your goal here?!
Dave: Distraction. Just keep myself... just confusion for now… let's get them as confused as possible.
Matt: You want to wrong foot them?
Dave: Rouse up the crowd - get them all on my side…
Ellie: “Arouse” up the crowd…
Dave: ...hoping in the confusion somebody can help me.
Matt: Roll Wiles again.
Dave: Is this not Cool?
Matt: No!
Dave: Ten!
Chris: That is some top notch stripping right there.
Matt: Tell us how on Earth this works!
Dave: So the entire room is just mesmerised by what's occurring…. a) because they're surprised and b) because I've... you know, I’m over fifty - they know that because they're part of the security - they know what's going on and they are just shocked about how lithe I am.
Matt: You've stalled capture for now... Let's cut to the break-in at the suite.
Josh: Are we all on comms at this moment? Are me and Ellie just hearing: (makes “raunchy beats” sounds)...?
Ellie: I don’t think it’s open comms. Soon as we hear the opening bars we’re like: “he’s doing it again”!
Josh: Classic Dave.
Dave: That's my signal!
Matt: So the pass means you have no trouble getting into the suites. So let's start the scene in the suite wherever you would like to be.
Josh: Okay who's in the suite?
Matt: Gideon's home.
Ellie: Dammit!
Josh: Ah balls.
Ellie: He’s not in the suite is he?
Matt: He’s in a room in the suite.
Ellie: Okay yeah. I'm going to see if I can hack the… I’m just going to hack it.
Josh: That’s great! So we need to find the central control-computer-terminal-station-room…
Ellie: No if you just punch the…
Josh: I'm not David… I don’t have the Fonz ability.
Ellie: Judging by films if you just punch the keypad it'll spring open and I can plug my device directly into the thingy and hack it from there…
Josh: Let's go do that.
Matt: Okay beautiful. For this, roll Cool please… which is representing... basically, you getting to this, and doing this very suspicious-looking thing without being spotted by guard patrols. This is hacking so you get to add one.
Ellie: Okay so I’ve got a plus three.
(sound of dice rolling)
Ellie: Nine!
Josh: Can I help at all?
Matt: You can if you can tell us how you are helping?
Josh: I will attempt to distract any guards that might be lingering.
Ellie: Well you’re dressed as a guard…
Josh: I'm dressed as a guard.
Matt: I'll give you plus one for being dressed as a guard. You get plus one for your Teamwork with Ellie.
Josh: Okay so I'm going to roll…
Matt: Roll two dice plus two.
(sound of dice rolling)
Josh: Okay. Eleven.
Matt: Okay and you get plus two to that roll.
Ellie: Eleven!
Josh: Teamwork makes the dream work!
Matt: So the two of you please tell us what all this looks like.
Ellie: Okay so Josh is, I guess, acting like you're on patrol?
Josh: I saunter over to one of the guards nearby that might be eyeing up Ellie and I just go over to him and introduce myself and I say that I'm part of the new operations team based out at the airport.
Matt (as Dai): Yes I heard you've been recently promoted.
Josh (in character): Oh I certainly have. Sorry what was your name?
Matt (as Dai): I'm Dai.
Josh (in character): You’re Dai? Excellent. Excellent name. Strong, strong name.
Ellie: Strong Welsh name.
Josh (in character): It’s good to meet you. I'm Max Wiles, I'm kind of a big deal down at the central operations hub.
Matt (as Dai): Yes we've all heard of you. We all read Banhoff’s blog about your appointment. Your promotion.
Josh (in character): You know what - Bandhoff is just too kind. I mean really I do it for the job, but the praise is just an added bonus. What is it you do here?
Matt (as Dai): Oh I guard the place to make sure that, you know, no suspicious characters break in and mess with Gideon’s business…
Josh: While that’s going on I’m eyeing up Ellie to see how quickly… I don't enjoy small talk…
Matt: What's happening, Ellie?
Ellie: I've just done a little elbow bash on the keypad and it's magically sprung open to reveal its inner workings. And I have attached my phone, which I'm using to hack into the keypad and bypass the retina scan.
Matt: Great and the door opens.
Ellie: Ba-ding!
Josh: And I'm continuing to distract this fellow and pull him away so he's not facing the door that's just opened and showing him how big my torch is.
Matt (as Dai): Is that what you get when you get promoted?
Josh (in character): Absolutely!
Matt (as Dai): That thing is huge!
Josh (in character): It’s huge! Absolutely. 150 watts, 2000 lumens and you can cosh somebody over the head with it and they won’t feel a thing.
Matt (as Dai): You wouldn’t need to, you could blind them!
Josh (in character): You know what - I feel that you have got potential. I'm gonna put in a good word with Chuck.
Matt: Meanwhile what’s happening in the room?
Ellie: I'm in the room and I am very quickly taking photos of all the documents, the NDAs, the blood ratings, and I am also (because there's a computer in there, obviously) I'm also popping in a USB and letting that... I've pre-programmed a clever magic worm... that's going to infiltrate the whole of his network so that I can have full access to things like CCTV for when we hijack the lorry later.
Matt: Perfect. This all seems to be going very well... Let's cut back to the stripshow… unless Chris - is there anything that you want to do? Or are you happy being out of all of this?
Chris: Yeah I’m happy at home... I love it. It's nice to put my feet up for a change.
Ellie: Face mask on!
Dave: Let Chad do all the work….
Chris: Yeah.
Matt: Okay so Dave…
Dave: Yeah.
Matt: You’ve evaded immediate capture…
Dave: Yeah.
Matt: ...but you've only got so many clothes to strip.
Dave: I'm down to just my pants, up on the bar... and basically I turn to Maxine and I say:
Dave (in character): Maxine, do you want to take this somewhere more private now that you've seen what I’m capable of?
Chris (in character): Dave... Dave, try and snatch the phone from her hand with your clenched butt cheeks.
Dave: Okay I do a perfectly... well... hopefully perfect slut drop onto the phone and clench.
Matt: Please roll Muscle.
(sound of dice rolling)
Matt: That’s the first Muscle roll!
Dave: Uh oh. That's a six altogether.
Josh: Saggy bum!
Matt: So all you manage to achieve is to knock the phone back into her clutch, out of your reach, and she says:
Matt (as Maxine): Oh, oh that's such a vulgar move... no, I don't think I do want to take this any further, darling. I think this is where we're going to have to part ways.
Matt: And she leaves the club and just leaves you there with all of the security who are closing in. You can see one of them's taken handcuffs out.
Josh: Oh no. You managed to out-gross Maxine… That’s disgusting.
Dave: So I'm gonna make a run for it.
Matt: Ok roll Muscle again...
Dave: I’m really good at that…
Matt: ...in your pants.
Dave: In my pants running out of the Ivy. Here we go…
(sound of dice rolling)
Dave: Eight. I make it out but my pants fall off!
Matt: You escape but there's a catch and I think the catch is that there was something in your clothes which you've left behind… it points to your true identity. And could potentially lead back…
Ellie: Have you been sewing your real name into your clothes? Like it’s a P.E. kit?
Matt: As if it wasn't enough of a catch that you're now on the streets of London…
Ellie: Naked.
Matt: ...in your pants. You blend right in.
Dave (in character): Team I hope everything's going well... Not great, my end. Maxine has gotten away with my phone. I'm in my pants in the middle of central London. Requesting pickup.
Chris (in character): Oh I’ll get dressed, I’m already in my pajamas. I’m coming to get you.
Ellie: And me and Josh are going to report that we've got the evidence we need, so we can do a remote shutdown of your phone as we don't need it anymore.
Matt: Nice.
Dave: Fabulous.
Matt: All I'm gonna get the two of you to do now is get out clean.
Ellie: Yeah.
Josh: What's the situation with me and Dai? Is Dai still impressed?
Matt: He seems to be, yeah.
Josh: So I'm still chatting to him. I'm... as I'm talking to him and he's making the small talk, I'm just... with my eyes gesturing to the door for Ellie to get out as quickly as possible. I’m trying to draw the attention... I'd also like to pull my big taser out (that we get as an elite task member) and I’d just like to wave it around as if it's a sparkler on bonfire night, and zap every so often - to try and impress everybody that's around.
Matt: Yeah.
Josh: (Taser noises)
Ellie: Wow.
Josh: How cool is that, Dai?
Ellie: We’re using some really high-brow distraction techniques aren’t we?
Matt: Roll Wiles.
Josh: Okay.
Matt: If you do well you'll basically get like an audience. You'll get like the attention of everybody.
(sound of dice rolling)
Josh: That’s a five total, Matthew. Oh, it’s another fail isn't it?
Matt: Gideon comes out of his bedroom.
Josh: (Taser noises)
Matt (as Gideon): I'm trying to sleep. What's going on? Are you playing with that taser?
Josh (in character): It was malfunctioning, sir, and I'm trying to keep it away from these people.
Matt (as Gideon): I pay for that equipment out of my own money... it's not to be... who's your supervisor?
Josh (in character): Chuck Banhoff, sir.
Matt (as Gideon): I'm going to have to have a word with him. You’re never going to work on my security force again.
Josh: Disaster.
Ellie: Okay well I'm still in the room, because when Josh was doing a distraction stuff, I was putting the control panel thing back into place so that no-one would know it had been tampered with. But then seeing Gideon come out of his bedroom I think that I've gone back into the blood room and shut the door. Oh Jesus Christ... okay well I'm going straight for the roof to see if I can get into the air conditioning ducts.
Matt: Some sort of conduit. Sure.
Ellie: So I think I'm gonna get up there and try and crawl along and then get Josh's attention. Well you're just going to have to leave the building, presumably?
Josh: I presume I'm just going to be ejected? I'd imagine so yeah...
Matt (as Gideon): Guards, guards! Strip this man of his ID.
Ellie: Strip him!
Matt (as Gideon): I expect that uniform back in the inventory fully-laundered tomorrow morning.
Josh (in character): Certainly.
Josh: Oh, I really want to zap one of them. I surrender my items over and I'm going to try and...
Ellie: So are you out in your pants as well?
Josh: No. I’ll launder it and then return it. I don’t want to be in my pants as well.
Matt: You've lost your pass and your Taser and handcuffs and your big torch.
Josh: The torch! It could only last so long.
Ellie: The torch? You lost your pass and security clearance.
Josh: Yeah I’d like to try and escape the gaze of Gideon. Smoke bomb!
Matt: So go for it. I believe you roll Wiles for that.
Josh: I’m going to roll them one at a time if that’s ok?
(sound of dice rolling)
Josh: That’s a one!
(sound of dice rolling)
Josh: That’s a four. Seven total.
Matt: Have you got anything that applies to this? I think you get your Master of Puppets for this which bumps it to an eight.
Ellie: So I could make it so that an alarm goes off in another room…
Matt: You certainly could do that.
Ellie: ...and then everyone follows the sound of that.
Josh: That's nice.
Matt: Yes we’ve established you’re in the system so you don't need to roll for that. So where do you set off an alarm?
Ellie: The furthest room from where we are.
Matt: Cool. Roll to help Josh.
(sound of dice rolling)
Matt: This is hacking-related.
Ellie: I rolled five... six for hacking... and seven for Josh.
Matt: Yeah so you get to add one so what does that give you?
Josh: Nine.
Matt: Okay so this is still a mixed success. Here's what happens: you get away, you basically hang your head and Gideon is satisfied that all of your bits and pieces have been taken. And the alarm goes off and that helps you, in the confusion you slip away. But he and the security force associate the fact that an alarm went off and the fact that you were there, behaving suspiciously. And they might look into your background now.
Josh: That's understood. On the way out to being ejected, I get on the comms and I say:
Josh (in character): ...Dave, mate, I've had a really hard evening. You want to go and get a beer?
Ellie: We need to burn the Max Wiles ID then?
Josh: And I'm sad.
Dave: Sounds like we’re going to have to kill two of our best aliases tonight!
Ellie: I'm still in the building?
Matt: Yeah. How are you gonna get out?
Ellie: I am going to look on the building’s schematics that I now have access to...
Matt: You do.
Ellie: ...and I'm gonna make my way to the laundry room and go down the laundry chute.
All: Yay!
Matt: And scene!
Ellie: That was an intense one.
Josh: That was even worse than the blood room.
Matt: Okay, so you're in a good position in some ways, but you've got some complications with some of your cover identities. I think you need to get the art.
Dave: Yeah but we're hitting it when it's in transit?
Matt: Exactly yes so we won't do any scenes in the freeport.
Ellie: Because we’ve lost security access to that now.
Josh: I can’t get in there and Vic is in there anyway.
Matt: This has become a straight convoy heist. The detail I'll give you is that it's being transported in a big truck.
Dave: Do we know its route?
Matt: You can roll to gain intel for that, which would be a Brains roll.
Chris: Yep!
Josh: Sorry do we know which company it is that’s using…
Ellie: We’ve probably got some information from me being in the system.
Matt: Ellie is well in the system.
Josh: If we could bug a tracker on the truck, maybe?
Ellie: Oh yeah we’d need to get a tracker set up.
(sound of dice rolling)
Chris: Eight.
Matt: So you know the route and that can be represented by you having a tracker on it, potentially. But there's a catch - you know its route and you can get along with it, but a couple of your faces are flagged with the security escort. So it's being escorted by other cars. Potentially like motorbike-security people.
Josh: So we know that Dave and I, presumably, are compromised.
Matt: Yes - Josh’s face and Dave's face are known.
So let's start with Chris and Ellie joining the convoy as it leaves. So the great hangar doors to the London City Airport Freeport are open. The truck is heading out and it stops at the barrier at the gates to the facility and you waylay the truck as it pulls out.
Chris (in character): Excuse me. My name is PC Buxton. Which, for all you know, is a totally legitimate police name... And we're here because we've received a very credible threat made against this convoy. We are here to offer you an additional escort.
Ellie (in character): Yeah I'm DCI Fledgley. We're here on behalf of the anti-terrorism squad and we have good intel which tells us that a very good Mr. Gideon Gilchrist is going to be targeted, because of his good works, his standing as a patron of the arts... He’s been targeted as a figure to take down.
Matt: You're speaking to a compact individual with a crew-cut, dressed in a sort of plain security-style suit with the curly wire in the ear…
Matt (as Vic): Yes my name is Vic Van Hoyt - I am head of Mr Gilchrist’s personal security firm, Secur Solutions. I don't understand why you let the constable lead that conversation, Inspector.
Ellie (in character): He’s coming up for a big promotion and I’m trying to get him used to taking command in a scene situation.
Matt (as Vic): I believe that if there was a threat it would have come up on my radar, but perhaps... let me check your credentials.
Ellie (in character): Absolutely.
Matt: Okay. Chris, I'd like you to roll your special move.
Chris: Okay. So this was against Wiles?
Matt: It's a Wiles move.
Chris: Okay so my Wiles is two.
(sound of dice rolling)
Chris: Ten.
Chris (in character): So we have... we know what your route is... so do the terrorists.
Matt (as Vic): Terrorists you say? I suppose I wouldn’t have found out about that. I’m not in the counter-terror databases.
Chris (in character): No indeed. And they hate Mr Gilchrist because he stands for everything they don't stand for.
Matt (as Vic): I’ve heard that!
Chris (in character): So we have planned you an alternative route, which may, on the face of it, not seem as safe but trust me it is safer. It goes through some narrow streets, but it is off the radar and it's off the terrorists’ radar… and it will be a lot safer. It will be as undercover as we can be for a very large truck.
Matt (as Vic): I understand. Please give the coordinates and the route to the driver to put into the GPS.
Matt: ...and basically because you succeeded on that move, the security force will bow to your authority. So if you want to ride in the cab, you can... wherever you want to be in the convoy you can be.
Chris (in character): Yes also as a trained police driver, which is one of the main reasons why I'm here, I will take over driving.
Matt (as Vic): Driving the truck itself?
Chris (in character): Yes, the truck itself. Absolutely. I have the best responses and reflexes.
Josh: As a constable? PC Plod?!
Matt (as Vic): I understand now, Chief Inspector, why he is up for promotion.
Ellie (in character): Yep! He’s the best we’ve got, would you believe?
Matt: So Chris is gonna drive the truck, where do you want to be in all this?
Ellie: I'm gonna be in a police car in the front.
Matt: Great. Okay, the convoy moves off with the two of you in position... where you want to be.
Josh: Well, Dave and I, on a side street sipping cappuccinos from a takeaway cup, dressed in our leathers, our helmets at our sides on our - what do you reckon?
Dave: I reckon you've got a bike and I'm in the sidecar.
Josh: ...and I guess we hear the sound of “big truck” approaching... And I throw my half-drunk coffee over my shoulder and put my helmet on.
Dave: Yeah I helmet up too. Do my seat belt in the sidecar. And say “drive”.
Josh: I check my mirrors. A little bit of gas to make sure the engines sound okay. Just check the tyres. And away we go. How many bikes are there surrounding the convoy?
Matt: Let’s say there's four bikes: two on each side and the police car up front. Another police car behind…
Ellie: Why is there another police car behind?
Matt: Oh no - not a police car: a Secur Solutions car.
Josh: Yeah sure. So one car…
Matt: So yeah - one police car in front with Ellie in it. One Secur car behind and four Secur bikes.
Ellie: I have a plan.
Josh: Are we all on earpieces presumably?
Matt: Yeah. Absolutely.
Josh: So Ellie would you like to tell us the plan?
Ellie: Well what I'm thinking is: I swerve to the left, so then I'm gonna immediately put the brakes on and then two bikes behind me are gonna collide. Chris, you're going to slam your brakes on and the car behind you is going to slam into the back of the lorry. Not doing the lorry much damage but hopefully totalling that car. And you two are going to take out the two bikes on the other side.
Josh: That’s one each. Do you know what you’re going to do, Dave?
Ellie: Big stick?
Dave: I stand up in the sidecar and try and just use my arm to swipe one of them as I go past…
Matt: Okay - let's do a sequence of rolls! Ellie - roll Cool.
(sound of dice rolling)
Ellie: Seven.
Josh: Is there anything that mine and Dave's appearance can do - to distract the bike lads? We are the terrorists, yes? I'm gonna turn up and start going “ya ya ya ya!!” and start honking my horn.
Matt: Yeah sure - roll Teamwork with Ellie.
(sound of dice rolling)
Josh: Nine.
Matt: So Ellie gets to add one. What does that take you up to?
Ellie: Eight.
Matt: So that's still a mixed success. You get taken out as well.
Ellie: Okay.
Matt: You take out the two bikes... but your car also spins off of the motorway and you are out of the chase. Who was next - slamming on their brakes next? Was it Chris? Chris, also roll Cool please.
(sound of dice rolling)
Chris: Nine.
Matt: Nine total?
Chris: Yeah.
Matt: You get what you wanted, which is that you take out the Secur Solutions car behind the truck... but the catch is that that car spins and cuts across the motorcycle and sidecar and you two are thrown into a spin... and you're gonna have to use your your driving skills to get out of it - if you want to try and do that?
Josh: Okay I'd like to try and do that.
Matt: Roll Cool.
(sound of dice rolling)
Josh: Six total…
Matt: So the person that was in the car, that spun across your path, was Chuck Banhoff.
All: (Gasping)
Matt: Chuck feels betrayed.
Josh: But he doesn’t know it’s me - I’ve got a helmet on! Maybe my visor flips open...
Matt: I think for the purposes of this - in the confusion - your visor flips up.
Ellie: Oh boy.
Matt: Chuck opens the door of the car and does a cool Fast and the Furious thing as the car is still spinning, he gets out of it. And what's Chuck armed with - has he just got a Taser or is he properly armed?
Josh: I think he’s part of the armed patrol... I think he's probably got something fully automatic.
Matt: I think he’s probably got beanbag rounds... So Chuck fires at you with his beanbag gun. How would you react as his gun comes up? Dave, you can react to this as well because you’re being pointed at as well?
Dave: I was going to “stroke of luck” it if I could. To try and…
Matt: This is a life-and-death situation.
Dave: ...this feels like a pretty bad situation to be in here.
Josh: So in full Michael Bay, slow-mo… I rev the accelerator and try and get away.
Dave: … and I just hope something good happens.
Ellie: I’m really hoping that it misses you and hits the other two motorbikes.
Dave: If this works then that’s the lucky break...
Matt: Roll Cool.
Dave: Okay my Cool is plus three.
(sound of dice rolling)
Dave: Seven! Oh boy.
Matt: So you can get what you want... but there's going to be a catch. I think the catch is that the round hits Josh.
Dave: Yeah that's fine.
Matt: So what you wanted was for this not to…
Dave: Kill us!
Matt: ...yeah, so it's gonna injure Josh... But not take him out so you can still drive.
Josh (in character): Argh! Couple of cracked ribs.
Dave: Does he accidentally take out the other two?
Matt: Yes - because that’s what you wanted and it’s a mixed success.
Josh: So you got both of them?
Dave: Yeah.
Josh: Wow.
Matt: So his bean bag hits the bikes and they flip over.
Matt: So all the riders are out but your bikes are still a bit out of control and Josh's now got broken ribs... What does everybody do?
Chris: Well I think I'm gonna just floor it... we cleared the way. So I am gonna start going:
Chris (in character): Okay I've got a clear break guys. Keep him off the back - I’ll see you at the rendezvous point.
Matt: Roll Cool to see if you can get away clean.
(sound of dice rolling)
Chris: Four.
Matt: Four? You think you've got away clean. You pull away from the chaos of this. But as you pull to a stop at the rendezvous... instead of the team, waiting there it's... knocking on the window is Alan Knowmore. He gestures for you to wind down the window.
Chris (in character): Hello?
Matt (as Alan): Doctor Claret, was it? Doctor Hugo Claret?
Chris (in character): Oh yes - that's me!
Matt (as Alan): You and I need to have a little word.
Chris (in character): Yes I think we probably do... Can we reschedule for another time? Bit busy right now...
Ellie: Can I get this to be part of the plan? I want this to be part of the plan!
Matt: Anybody who wants to can make this part of the plan.
Ellie: What I want is for us to have been working with Alan all along to catch nasty-man Gideon in his weird blood practices - the whole time. He's turning a blind eye to us thieving the art in order to get the evidence.
Matt: Roll Brains.
(sound of dice rolling)
Ellie: Eight.
Josh: Can we help at all?
Ellie: One of you help me? Because they - maybe - one of you knew Alan as a personal friend from his time on the farm. Made an introduction?
Matt: I want Chris to do this because that was his cover and I want it to have just turned out to be true. So go ahead and roll Teamwork with Ellie.
Chris: Plus zero?
Chris (in character): So, Alan, do you remember that time we stayed on your farm? Wasn’t it fun?
(sound of dice rolling)
Chris: Eight.
Matt: So Ellie gets a plus one. So you get what you want… Alan was part of the plan all along.. but there's some sort of catch. He wants something from you.
Ellie: Does he want a cut?
Matt: Or there’s somebody in the team that he wants to put away. And you’re going to have to sacrifice someone.
Ellie: No! Okay… why, who, for how long...?
Josh: It’s up to Ellie, surely.
Chris: Maybe it’s me.
Ellie: What for?
Dave: For not actually being friends with Alan!
Chris: Yeah! Maybe I left his holiday cottage in a really bad condition...
Ellie: Maybe it’s just that he wants to take you to civil court because you left the cottage in such a bad condition.
Josh: You violated the Airbnb terms…
Ellie: And you refused to pay him back. Or maybe it’s that he wants me to go to prison because when I perpetrated revenge upon Lulu B’Gou, for hurting Josh, what I did is punch her in the face a lot. And it was all part of the con because I was posing as a boxer and she went through a boxing phase... but I really beat her up and he's her uncle and he had to pay for her nose job.
Josh: Alan Knowmore-B’Gou!
Ellie: So he wants me to go away for her assault. But because I’ve got no priors it’s only going to be a couple of months at most.
Josh: Because I took that hit for you so you’ve never been there before?
Matt: What was the last thing you said to him?
Chris (in character): Let’s reschedule this meeting, Alan. I’m a bit busy right now!
Matt (as Alan): Agreed. Agreed. Because we need to reschedule it to a time when your friend’s around so she can hold up her end of the bargain.
Chris (in character): Absolutely - how about a week from now?
Matt (as Alan): Works for me!
Chris (in character): Excellent - I’m sure we’re all going to get what we want. Stand clear, please. I’m going to pull away now.
Matt (as Alan): I’m going to conspicuously not look in the back of your lorry.
Chris (in character): I appreciate that, Alan. You've always been a good guy and I think we're both gonna get what we want.
Matt: And scene!
(applause)
Matt: Would anyone like to do any kind of little epilogue?
Josh: I am riding myself and Gromit here all the way to the airport. I've done my last job. I'm going to fly to Rio de Janeiro and set up my logging firm on the beach.
Dave: “Palm Tree Surgery”.
Josh: I’m definitely too old for this business.
Dave: My problem is that I can't seem to make it work with Maxine so I continue... well I don't even want to continue my life of crime now, I feel like this hit has been so big, so successful that... obviously I was tense because I didn't want to get caught this time, and I'm done now. I'm gonna go straight. I'm gonna start my own dance company training people how to dance to eighties porn music.
Matt: Very nice. Do you fence the art and you keep the money? Or do you donate it in some way? What do you do with all of the art? Or was it just about putting Gideon's nose out of joint?
Ellie: It was partly that, but also we want to get some money to the right places. So we're gonna fence it using my contacts. We'll each take a fee for the job and then the rest we're going to give to arts companies, or maybe charities.
Dave: And what are we going to do now that we've got the evidence against Gideon?
Ellie: Well that’s gone to Alan.
Matt: Hold that thought. We have a little scene first of all, which I think Ellie sees on her monitors from being in all of the systems. Gideon and Maxine standing in the empty vault.
Matt (as Gideon): When’s the equipment supposed to turn up?
Matt (as Maxine): Darling, I really thought I'd taken care of all of the hiccups... oh I thought I'd cleaned out all of the all of the risks but…
Matt (as Gideon): You're fired, Maxine. I'm gonna tell all my cronies and make sure you never work in this town again.
Dave: Poor Maxine.
Ellie: She’s so weird.
Josh: She’ll pick up another job.
Ellie: Loads of transferable skills... She’s a people person!
Matt: And what do you want to happen with the evidence of Gideon's weird health practices?
Ellie: So I want for Alan to have it go public. And so, not only does he get sanctioned by the pharmaceutical regulator, but also he gets some prison time for abusing those poorly paid kitchen workers.
Matt: Yeah, I think that some good lawyer puts together a case that was, however many things that he made them sign... it was still exploitation and indefensible. Because he's rich, he goes to a minimum security - but it's not his suite. He has to sell off some assets. The hippo has to go to a zoo.
Dave: Not “The Last One”!
Ellie: He’s eaten the rest.
Matt: And I think his reputation as somebody who uses his money to support people below him is well and truly wrecked.
All: Yeah!
Josh: That's what happens when you deal in that line of business, isn’t it? It’s his own fault. I mean, the thing is he's got so much money that inevitably he’ll end up bouncing back and there will be some other investments and he’ll be out in like six months’ time.
Ellie: We took quite a lot of his stuff.
Josh: It’s true but he is a billionaire. Did we achieve anything at all?
Ellie: Maybe... okay... maybe I can do some extracurricular... So I'm in prison for a little bit - like maybe thirty days - but when I'm out, because I’ve still got lots of hack access (hackcess if you will) to his systems... I manage to get hold of his account information and drain with all his accounts.
Josh: Fantastic!
Ellie: Because I have no ideas of retiring or going into the dance business - I'm staying in the con.
Josh: Do you reckon you could make a charitable donation to the Copacabana logging firm?
Ellie: Are you a registered charity?
Josh: Certainly am now!
Ellie: You plant a tree for every tree you chop down?
Josh: Absolutely - it's the way it works!
Matt: And members of his inner circle are tarred with the same brush, so a certain performance artist’s reputation is also ruined.
Ellie: Yeah Lulu - you’re going down, bitch.
Matt: Oh - I really wanted to meet her!
Ellie: Yeah I really wanted to hear what her voice sounded like.
Josh: I imagine in the future there'll be a wispy-haired Josh, aged, that finds out she's in prison and comes back for one last job and calls his good friends - Dave and Ellie and Chris - to spring her.
Dave: One more job!
Ellie: Yeah I don’t believe that either of you are fully out of the game. You’re just taking a break.
Matt: That’s our credits sequence!
Ellie: Yeah absolutely.
Matt: ...All of you planning a con against Lulu B’Goo.
Josh: Prison break!
All: Yay!!
Matt: And curtain!
Matt: Here's a post-credits scene... When all of the things go live. When all of the photo evidence of Gideon and Maxine's dodgy stuff goes live in the press, you're looking through the photos and you see a photo on one of the files of one of the donors. And you have a momentary spark of recognition at this... Errol face... and you see the name “Errol” on the file and you're like “why do I think that…? I don't know this guy”, and you go on with your life…
Outro
Matt: You’ve been listening to Merely Roleplayers. You can look us up wherever you find podcasts, on Twitter @MerelyRoleplay and at Facebook.com/MerelyRoleplayers. Reviews and kind words are all very much appreciated and we hope you’ll join us again for our next episode.