Let's open the sealed dossiers on our company of (con) artists. What are they good at? How did they get that way? And what are they hiding from one another?
With Ellie Pitkin, David Turnbull, Chris Buxey and Josh Yard
Created and hosted by Matt Boothman (@MerelyMJ)
In association with Blackshaw Theatre Company (www.blackshawonline.com)
facebook.com/MerelyRoleplayers
Promo: Chaotic Goodness
Episode transcript
Promo
Promo: “I'm sorry guys we gotta jump it. I'm sorry.”
“What do you mean “jump it”?”
“We’re gonna do a wild jump here and kill us all?”
“I don't have a choice.”
“This isn't good…”
“We know what happened last time.”
“Sorry… we got to go…. Sorry. Hold on.”
“Guys - we're taking fire…”
“Land us near a hospital!”
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The Company (Let’s Get Gideon Backstage)
Matt: How about we find out something about how you've all been spending your lives as master thieves and daring con artists?
Ellie: Okay.
Matt: Who's excited to find out about your secret lives?
Josh: I'm very excited.
Ellie: I'm intrigued about my secret life. I've just got no idea what it might be.
Josh: I suspected everybody else but didn't suspect it of myself.
Matt: Okay Josh, new player for season four of Merely Roleplayers, let’s find out... you're very welcome! Roll a six sided dice for me please and I'm gonna ask you a question as a result.
Josh: Just here?
Matt: Wherever you like.
(sound of dice rolling)
Josh: Six!
Ellie: Big hitter!
Matt: So one of these three learned their trade - their con artist’s or thieving trade - from the same mentor as you. You have learned at each other's side under the same mentor. Who was it?
Josh: I think that myself and David, perhaps, were part of the same thief school.
Ellie: I bet you were really badly behaved.
Josh: Really naughty.
Dave: The naughty boys at the back.
Matt: I'd like us to name your mentor as well. Does anybody have a name off the top of their heads? Doesn't have to be one of you two…
Dave: The name “Rufus” springs to mind for some reason.
Josh: This was a public school we went to?!
Dave: Old Rufus Pennywhistle!
Josh: Elbow patches and everything.
Matt: Yes I like that! Rufus was your mentor. So what this means mechanically is you both have a box on your sheet that says “Teamwork”... Josh can you please write “Dave” or “David” and a single tally mark... and David if you can write “Josh” and also a single tally mark. So you're going to end up with a number for Teamwork but it can change as part of this - it can go up as part of this process. So it might not be a one, it might end up being a two, depending on how these other conversations shake out. Which is why I suggest using tallies rather than just writing a number.
Josh: Perfect.
Matt: So Josh, roll again please.
(sound of dice rolling)
Josh: Okay - that's a five this time.
Matt: Okay, one of these three hustled someone who hurt you. Somebody hurt you in your past and one of these three took it upon themselves to take revenge on that person on your behalf by conning them or robbing them in some way. Who was it?
Josh: Well I've known Ellie for the longest, so I imagine that she would have my back out of the three people that are here, so thank you for that, Ellie.
Ellie: You’re welcome. I’m always full of rage and revenge.
Matt: Okay Ellie, you get one Teamwork with Josh. What this will mean in the game - you don't get one for Ellie for this one, this isn't a two-lane one this... is a asymmetrical Teamwork - so what this'll mean is: Josh you're now quite good at helping Dave in the game, Dave you're quite good at helping Josh, Ellie you're also quite good at helping Josh.
Ellie: But he might not be very good at helping me?
Josh: Sums up our friendship really doesn't it?
Ellie: So true to life!
Matt: Oh also, maybe have a think about who it was that Ellie conned on your behalf.
Chris: Yeah okay I’ll go next.
Matt: Chris - our other new player! Newbies first!
Dave: That’s how we do it!
Ellie: We’re being polite.
Matt: I”m glad you’re thinking of it as being polite and not Merely Roleplayers hazing. Okay - Chris roll a dice for me please.
(sound of dice rolling)
Chris: Okay - five.
Ellie: Guys - you need to save some of these good rolls for later!
Matt: So you know something about one of your three colleagues here... You know that one of them has a reason that they absolutely can't afford to get caught. You and that person are the only ones who know this about them. Who is it? Which of your colleagues absolutely cannot afford any run-ins with the law?
Chris: I think I know something about David.
Ellie: But what about in the game?!
Matt: Anybody got any thoughts about why exactly it is that Dave can't afford to get caught?
Ellie: Allergic to prison?
Josh: Maybe he’s been caught before and he’s out on parole?
Matt: He’s got a record?
Dave: Priors?
Josh: Maybe you’d been deported… to Wales?
Dave: Oh no - don’t make me do accents!
Ellie: Maybe he’s pulled a con before and he’s upset the entirety of the Prison Service… so if he goes into prison, he’s a dead man.
Matt: Yeah I like that. We can hash out the details back during the game if it comes up. I like that as a thing. So Chris - you get one Teamwork with Dave.
Chris: Okay.
Matt: You're more likely to reach out and give him a hand because you know that he can't afford to get caught. Roll again.
(sound of dice rolling)
Chris: One.
Matt: There’s no good or bad rolls at this point. Get it all out of your system!
Dave: “You’ve got the bad past!”
Matt: One of these three, you feel like their strengths compensate for your weaknesses. Who do you think that is? Obviously we haven't worked out at this point in the recording session what everybody’s role in the con is… but maybe this will help us decide. You have weak points as a con artist or thief and somebody else makes up for those with their strengths. Who do you think it is?
Chris: Okay - I'm gonna go for Ellie.
Ellie: Yeah! Ticket to the gun show!
Matt: Ellie - you get one Teamwork on Chris.
Ellie: Okay. Me! I'm next in the line.
Matt: Alright Ellie - roll the dice.
Ellie: Okay. Come on, black dice!
Matt: If you get the same option that somebody else has already had, we'll just bump it up one.
(sound of dice rolling)
Ellie: Three.
Matt: Okay - you recruited one of these three to the thief gang, Blackshaw.
Ellie: Do I regret it?
Matt: Up to you! But who did you bring into the fold?
Ellie: I think I recruited Chris.
Matt: Okay cool you get one... you get another Teamwork on Chris? So that bumps it up to two. You’re better at helping Chris. I like the idea that maybe you recruited him because you saw that you had complementary skills.
Ellie: That sounds like something I would do.
Josh: Can your name be “Fagin” from now on? He can be the Dodger.
Ellie: “You’ve got to pick a pocket or two!” I am here with my boys so that does make sense.
Matt: And roll one more time.
(sound of dice rolling)
Ellie: Four.
Matt: Okay. One of these three took a fall for you once. They took some heat that was coming... supposed to land on you. Who was it and what do we think was the situation?
Ellie: Oh gosh... that's two questions, I can't deal with two questions!
Matt: First one’s first. Pick the person.
Ellie: I’m going to go with Josh.
Matt: Okay Josh - you get one Teamwork with Ellie. And anybody got any thoughts on... so Ellie was going to get caught, maybe, or some sort of problem was gonna come down on Ellie's head and Josh took the fall instead. What do we reckon?
Josh: Well I feel that I owe Ellie because she roughed up or conned somebody from my past... so I feel this is very much a quid pro quo.
Ellie: Yeah I thought that might be the case.
Matt: Lovely. I like how well these are all seeming to make sense. This is good!
Josh: It’s like you’ve played before, guys!
Matt: Dave, you’re last.
Dave: Do I get to roll or are all the other options gone?
Ellie: “You have no past!”
(sound of dice rolling)
Dave: Four.
Matt: One of these three is getting out of the game after this job and only you and that person know that. Who is it? Who's one job away from retirement?
Josh: Who's gonna die in the dramatic finale?
Dave: I think based on mine and Josh's history at thief school... I would know a bit about what's going on in his life, so I'm gonna go for Josh for that one.
Matt: Okay you get to add one Teamwork with Josh.
Dave: So I can only help Josh…!
Matt: So yeah... so, Josh, you're getting out after this job.
Josh: I’m getting too old for this business, apparently!
Josh: What do you think is your retirement plan or are you just gonna get a real job off of this?
Josh: I imagine that I'm going to retire to a beach somewhere just outside Rio de Janeiro and set up a little coconut water stall and drink my sorrows away.
Dave: Josh has got a t-shirt with three palm trees cut in half on them so I think you’re going to be a lumberjack.
Josh: I’m a logger. That’s what I’m going to do.
Dave: Palm tree logger?
Ellie: Yeah that’s really hot right now. Everyone’s wanting to go and cut down trees in Rio, so good job.
Josh: This table is palm tree wood.
Matt: You’re going to help redevelop the Olympics sites?
Josh: By cutting down more trees?
Ellie: Just continuing to add to deforestation?
Matt: Doesn’t have to make sense! Dave - roll one more time for Teamwork.
(sound of dice rolling)
Dave: Five.
Matt: We've had a five already so I'm gonna bump this up by one. So we know already that you learned your trade with Josh, but there's someone else, out of Ellie or Chris, who you've worked with before. That you've run jobs with before. So who were you a colleague of before this team, this Blackshaw heist team came together?
Dave: I think it would be Chris and that would be why Chris now knows about my needing to get out.
Chris: Yeah that makes sense.
Matt: Okay. So both of you take a Teamwork on each other, Dave and Chris. So I quite like the idea that maybe when Ellie recruited Chris, she got Dave as well as part of a package deal.
Ellie: “Oh, you brought a friend along?”
Josh: “There’s no plus one on this invitation.”
Chris: “You do know this is a super secret meeting, right?”
Ellie: “Also I pre-ordered on the set menu…!”
Dave: “Okay - I’ve brought my friend Dave who is an absolute liability…! He can’t get caught.”
Josh: “He came bottom of his class in thief school. Rufus the teacher was not very happy.”
Matt: So the only… the detail that we came up with that we didn't quite pin down, was who hurt Josh? That Ellie then had to hustle them? Let’s just have a name for now - we can fill in any other details later.
Ellie: (starts laughing)
Josh: Come on, Ellie. First thing that came into your mind.
Ellie: The first thing that came to my mind… was “Lulu B’Goo”...!
Dave: “Lulu B’Goo”?
Josh: That showgirl from the Copacabana?
Matt: That’s canon, now.
Josh: I’m sorry, “Lulu M’Goo”?
Ellie: “B’Goo”.
Josh: Sorry - “M’Goo” is her Scottish cousin!
Matt: So we've invented some characters: we have “Rufus” the thief mentor who taught Josh and Dave, and we have “Lulu B’Goo” who we know nothing about yet except that she hurt Josh, in some way, and Ellie hit her back heist-style. Does anybody feel like we're getting a sense of what the tone of this game is going to be now?
Ellie: Really serious!
Dave: Really tense! Very very serious!
Chris: Gritty and real!
Josh: All shot in monochrome… Very noir.
Matt: Great. So anybody that you don't have a figure for in that teamwork box - it's a zero. So you are just averagely good at helping that person. So it still helps to write it down just in case - so you have it for quick reference. But yeah - anybody you don't already have a number for from these rolls you're just okay at helping them out. And that's that part! Ready to move on?
All: Yeah!
Matt: Shall we find out what all of your strengths are? What you're all good at on this heist team?
All: Yes!
Matt: Alright, we represent this with numbers because this is a tabletop pen and paper role-playing game…! So everybody's gonna get four numbers: you get a number for your “Brains” - which is how good you are at thinking ahead and puzzling things out and you're going to use that for things like, declaring that something was part of the plan all along. You get a number for “Muscle” which is how good you are at solving your problems physically, shall we say, which doesn't necessarily have to be hitting people; it could be running away as well. It's your general physique. You get a number for “Cool”, which is how good you are at keeping your head in pressurised situations and scoping stuff out very quickly and sharply. And you get a number for your “Wiles” which is how good you are at being persuasive and being manipulative with people. So who'd like to receive their scores first?
Ellie: Yes please.
Matt: Ellie's gonna receive her scores first. So the way we do this on Merely Roleplayers is: everybody else picks your scores for you!
Josh: Brains, zero. Wahey! Character assassination.
Matt: So sorry, Ellie, the boys are picking your stats... So you get: a two, a one, a zero and a minus one. So would we like to start with Ellie's strongest number or her weakest number…?
Josh: Don't jump in at once!
Chris: The strongest!
Matt: The strongest. What do we think Ellie's strongest at?
Josh: I was going to say Brains.
Dave: Yeah - I leant Brains.
Josh: Ellie is an intellectual... around this table, certainly.
Ellie: No pressure!
Dave: We’re going to believe what she says!
Chris: I was going to suggest Cool.
Josh: One of the two. She’s certainly a leader.
Ellie: I'm basically the sunglasses emoji.
Matt: Does it help to think... given what we've learned about your origins of this team, it feels like Ellie's the one that's kind of assembled you all?
Josh: The mastermind?
Dave: The Brains of the outfit?!
Matt: So it does seem like in this story Ellie is the leader of the group. That doesn't have to mean that you've done all the planning…
Josh: So maybe she's the Cool because she's got the confidence, the charisma… the face, the charisma of the operation.
Chris: The acceptable face!
Matt: So the charisma of the operation would be Wiles… rather than Cool. So Cool is a bit more about keeping your head when all about you is falling to bits.
Josh: A perfect trait for a leader, some might say.
Matt: True. But if you want the charisma, being able to persuade people, then Wiles is the stat for that.
Ellie: We do need a charmer amongst us… Because otherwise we won’t get very far.
Dave: Can we call Lulu up?
Ellie: Get some tips?
Josh: I think Cool, personally. That’s what I’d put my money on.
Dave: I’m happy with her being the one with…
Ellie: So I’m keeping my shit together?
Josh: Exactly. When the alarms are going off, when the police are coming.
Ellie: “Yeah it’s fine!”
Dave: “We want the alarms to go off, see?”
Ellie: “All part of the plan, see”.
Matt: So - Cool, two. So you’ve got: one, zero and minus one. So zero is basically the stat that gives you an average chance of succeeding when you roll something. One is a slightly above average chance. Minus one makes you slightly less likely to succeed at something... but not succeeding at things in this game generates interesting complications.
Dave: Do we stick with Brains because it was one of the ones we discussed? Brains as one.
Chris: Yeah I agree.
Josh: Zero in Wiles? I'm just thinking the negative for Muscle. Because you're above roughing people up?
Ellie: Yeah - if we’re going true to life then it’s definitely my lowest one!
Dave: You would get somebody else to do the dirty work?
Josh: Us underlings... I’ve decided we are now…!
Ellie: Really demoted yourselves very quickly!
Dave: All of us get two in Muscle and minus one in everything else!
Josh: We are just the grunts! Are we the bad guys in this story?
Matt: So Ellie are you happy with that spread or do you want to swap two?
Ellie: I think I'd quite like to swap Brains and Wiles because I want to be a bit more wily.
Matt: Yeah - you want to be better at manipulation than at planning and thinking ahead?
Josh: You want two in all of them don’t you?
Ellie: True… I retract my statement! I'm gonna stick. No twisting.
Matt: As we go through this, if you change your mind feel free to keep manipulating. Who's next?
Dave: Let’s do me!
Matt: Okay - what do we think Dave's either strongest or weakest stat should be?
Dave: Let’s not get too personal, guys!
Matt: Dave, last time you were on the show you had a very low opinion of what everybody was going to think of you.
Dave: Yeah - people were much the kinder than I expected!
Matt: Let’s keep that going.
Ellie: It’s like we’re not all dicks! I would say... you're gonna probably be quite high up on Muscle... because then you can do a lot of ducking and diving and stunts and stuff…
Josh: ...and you're quite little so you might be able to squeeze through small gaps in windows…
Ellie: ...clean some chimneys?
Josh: ...pick a pocket or two?
Matt: I want to make it clear that this is set in modern day… not in Dickensian London!
Josh: I was more thinking about you ducking and hiding underneath those hallways full of laser beams that every art gallery seems to have...
Ellie: ...dressed in a black leotard!
Josh: ...coming down on a wire…
Ellie: That’s just for me!
Chris: How do you do under pressure, Dave?
Dave: Great! I live my life under pressure!
Ellie: Dave is very cool, actually.
Dave: To be fair, I do very rarely get flustered… for context; I teach three and four year olds. So yeah…
Ellie: Once you have someone poo in your lap and throw paint in your face at the same time…
Josh: ...and not shout at them… throw a chair at them... Cool - so maybe some of you Dave is the Muscle/Cool?
Dave: “Cool-Muscle”.
Josh: You are Johnny Bravo.
Ellie: I feel like Brains and Wiles might not be as in your wheelhouse…
Josh: Say something nice, say something not so nice.
Ellie: It’s called a “shit sandwich”.
Matt: There just is no way in these kinds of games to say “I think you’re bad at this” without it sounding horrible.
Chris: Presumably that was the recruitment speech you gave?
Ellie: That’s what I do… my recruitment speech is just negging.
Dave: Did we decide which way round the Brains and Cool were so I could put my numbers on? Not Brains… Muscle…
Ellie: Let’s put Cool top… but then mine’s Cool at top as well…
Matt: It’s fine to have two Cool people! These can change, you can progress and bump these up. You can bump at least one of them by one during the game, provided you fail enough.
Josh: Of course that’s not going to happen…
Dave: And am I more Wily or more Brainy? Let’s do it that way so then it’s not “you’re less this…”!
Josh: What’s your dump stat?
Ellie: I think you're more Wily because you're very charming.
Dave: Thank you.
Josh: “You are averagely charming… have a zero.”
Dave: “You are a zero in charming!”
Josh: And a zero in Brains.
Dave: Sounds about right, yeah.
Matt: How do you feel about that?
Dave: Yeah - that looks like me.
Matt: We've reduced you to some numbers! Okay - shall we keep going round? Josh - this makes you next.
Josh: My turn - go ahead, guys.
Ellie: Well where should we start…?
Josh: All minus ones…
Ellie: How low can we go?
Matt: The stats can go as low as minus two... but it’s unlikely to happen…
Ellie: I think, judging by your past with Lulu B’Goo the showgirl, you're gonna be pretty high on the Wiles…
Josh: ...not Brainy enough to figure out that she completely screwed me over?
Ellie: I feel like we could do with a top Wiles.
Dave: I feel like you can talk your way out of most situations.
Ellie: You’re a very good bluffer.
Josh: Am I?
Ellie: For a second there I was like: “I don’t know, are you…?” That’s how good you are.
Josh: So I’ll put a big, fat two next to Wiles.
Dave: I think Josh is very fit… which is why I think “Cool” is the next stat...
Ellie: Alright! Take that off mic.
Josh: Thank you, David.
Matt: Josh did once cycle the entire length of New Zealand.
Josh: That is true. And I robbed several banks…
Dave: ...so I feel like if Muscle is your stat for running away... you'd be really good at it.
Ellie: ...as long as you’ve got your bike!
Josh: As long as I’m wearing a wetsuit or those little shorts with the padding, then I’ll be ok! Okay so a big old one for Muscle. Wiley Muscle - that’s my name now.
Ellie: And then Brains… and then Cool as the lowest one I reckon. I think you panic easy.
Josh: Which is what I need to run away from certain situations.
Ellie: Otherwise you’re like a startled horse...
Josh: Okay so if I go minus one for Cool and average Brains.
Matt: How do you feel about that? If you don’t feel like this represents you as a person or you feel like this array would be not fun for you to play, then you can swap two.
Josh: I like it... I might swap Brains and Cool over because I fear with the Wiles... the moment somebody calls my bluff I'm just gonna run away!
Matt: Have a think about it - if you want to do that you can.
Dave: That is true. You probably have to be pretty Cool to be Wiley wouldn’t you?
Matt: Have a think about that while we do Chris.
Chris: Yeah.
Matt: What does everybody think about Chris's numbers?
Josh: Now I don't know Chris overly well... but you seem to be quite an intellectual guy.
Dave: I would say Brains top.
Ellie: Brains is definitely top I think. No pressure!
Dave: But you have to plan everything! Because we’ve all got very low Brains.
Ellie: Hey! I’ve got one.
Josh: The first hour of this podcast is you sitting with Matt, planning, and we’ll come in and mess it up!
Chris: Okay great. Two for Brains.
Ellie: I reckon Chris is pretty high on Wiles.
Josh: Brainy/Wiley. Yeah.
Ellie: I reckon you can talk the talk.
Dave: Yeah - what are the games where you have to like make up definitions for words and stuff? I imagine you’d be really good at those sorts of things.
Ellie: Balderdash - we’ve played that with Chris before! Really good!
Josh: That’s a one on the Wiles.
Chris: I knew that would pay off!
Dave: That game of Balderdash nineteen years ago!
Ellie: Playing the long game!
Josh: That could be part of your equipment? A game board?
Chris: Great - so one for Wiles.
Dave: I believe your job involves safe... health and safety and explosions and stuff?
Chris: It does.
Dave: ...so surely you're okay under pressure?
Josh: That’s a very good shout.
Ellie: Somebody calls you up like: “yes we’re planning on doing this thing” and you just scream down the phone! “Sounds so dangerous!”
Dave: I feel like that can't be a minus one.
Josh: That's a good shout. So if we stick you on a zero for Cool and a minus one for Muscle. You're too clever to be…
Chris: That’s fair. I am, essentially, an emaciated husk…
Ellie: “I am but a husk.” So we’ve brought two husks… Are you guys okay for Muscle?
Dave: Yeah I’ve got a one.
Ellie: Okay, great!
Chris: You might have to carry us through this heist... Physically carry us!
Ellie: Queen’s chair!
Matt: It's interesting that we know that Chris feels like Ellie’s strengths compensate for his weaknesses... but your stats are actually relatively similar so it's a case of: Elle is much more cool under pressure, so do you feel like that's the thing that you think she compensates for?
Chris: Yes.
Ellie: Maybe it’s my confidence in carrying things off and that the plan will work.
Matt: Yeah - Chris does the plan and you execute the plan.
Ellie: They call me: “The Executor”.
Matt: Which fits in weirdly well with the fact that Chris wrote a play and you directed the play, in real life. Blackshaw’s real!
Ellie: It is! Don’t say that like it’s a mythical realisation!
Matt: Great. Is everybody happy with their stats?
All: Yeah!
Josh: I think I may swap Brains and Cool though.
Matt: Make your decision before we start the game but you can live with it for a little bit.
Josh: Okay I shall think on it.
Matt: Okay - we know what you're all good at and what you’re less good at. One step closer to doing the heist.
Outro
Matt: You’ve been listening to Merely Roleplayers. You can look us up wherever you find podcasts, on Twitter @MerelyRoleplay and at Facebook.com/MerelyRoleplayers. Reviews and kind words are all very much appreciated and we hope you’ll join us again for our next episode.